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How do you tell children that someone has died?
How do you tell children that someone has died?
Grandpa is no longer with us... How do you tell your child that his grandfather has died? Do we tell our child that Grandpa has gone to heaven or vacation? Should our child come to the funeral home with us? Here is some helpful advice.
Years ago, the deceased were laid out at home so children had more contact with death, so much so that it wasn’t unusual to lose a younger sibling, a little brother or sister. These days, paradoxically, children’s contact with death is virtual, experienced via video games and action films. As a result, children have a contradictory relationship with death and we have to demystify it for them.
Should they know the truth?
Yes. It allows them to better confront the reality. As adults, we want to protect our children from the suffering related to grieving. On the contrary, however, it’s what goes unsaid and silence that hurt. Tell the child the facts just as they happened, using age-appropriate language, but without masking the truth. It’s a question of the child’s confidence in you.
When and how to tell him?
Tell him as soon as possible, preferably at the same time as you tell your immediate friends and family. In that way, the child will feel like a real member of the family and benefit from the support of the adults around him.
Draw on the comforting elements of your belief system. If you are not religious, you can draw analogies with the death of the child’s dog or cat, if possible, or use music as a reference as Dale McGowan did. In an article published in the magazine L’Actualité, McGowan described how he explained to his six-year-old daughter that her great-grandfather had died. “When the orchestra ceases to play, there is no more music. We are the music of our bodies and our neurons. When the body dies, we are no longer there. Music is not scared because it is no longer there, nor is it sad. But the music stays in our heads and hearts. Like grandpa.”
How to help him express his emotions?
In general, a grieving child has a tendency to feel guilty for the death of the person and to fear that death is “contagious”, and that other family members might die. Reassure him with a warm and sincere tone. Tell him that you will take care of him, that he is not alone and, stick to the daily routine as much as possible.
A child who loses a loved one will have a tendency to model his attitude on those of the adults around him. By giving yourself permission to express your pain, right away you give your child permission to do likewise which is desirable and healthy. Games, drawing, writing can help him express his emotions. Reading a little book on death is a good way to broach the subject.
Even if he feels the same emotions as an adult, a child’s reactions are sometimes different. A child cannot tolerate suffering for a long time. He will pursue his children’s activities, play with his friends and watch his favourite television programs. This does not mean, however, that he is not affected.
Should he go to the funeral home?
Yes. Participating in funeral rituals will help the child grasp the reality of the death. Suggest that he goes with you but don’t force him to if he doesn’t want to go. Let him express his motives and respect his decision. In addition, plan short visits since a wake can seem very long for him. Make sure that someone can provide back-up.
Reassure him and tell him what will happen. For example, tell him that grandpa’s body will be cold, that his eyes will be closed, that he won’t move and that he will be lying in a coffin. If there is an urn, you must explain to him how grandpa managed to get in there using age-appropriate words. If possible, arrive at the funeral home or church ahead of time to let him get used to the situation and ask questions.
A child understands death differently depending on his age
From 0 to 3 years old
At this age, a child sees death as a temporary separation, the notion of permanence doesn’t exist in his head. He feels the emotions of those grieving around him and will need to be reassured by loved ones, and by sticking to his usual routine.
From 3 to 5 years old
For a child of this age group, death is reversible: someone can be dead but then come back to life later. Since he has a tendency to feel guilty and responsible for the disappearance, he may believe that, if he is very nice, the deceased person will come back or, on the contrary, fear that other members of his entourage will die because of him. Don’t tell him that the deceased is sleeping or on vacation because he might develop a fear of going to bed or traveling.
From 6 to 12 years
At six years old, a child understands that death is irreversible and that everyone will die one day. On the other hand, he still believes that death only comes to the very old. Around nine years old, a child realizes that death touches everyone, that it is final and that he, too, may die. It’s at this age that spirituality appears. A child asks himself what happens to someone after death, what happens to the body among other things.
Adolescent
An adolescent has the same understanding of death as an adult, but his reactions will be different. He may seem to be only slightly affected by the loss, bottle up his emotions or even react aggressively. It’s the age for existential soul searching on the meaning of life and death. The presence of his friends will be a great comfort to him.
The Grieving Period
A child grieves gradually consistent with the stages of his development.
A child displays grief in various ways: emotional (tears, tantrums, anger, impatience, nervousness, anguish), physical (stomach-aches, headaches, lump in the throat, changes in appetite, sleeping difficulties, regression, bedwetting, baby talk) and social (withdrawal, difficulties at school, poor concentration, learning difficulties, strange drawings, behavioural problems, aggressiveness).
If all of these manifestations of grief are normal in a child, you should keep an eye on their length and intensity. Don’t hesitate to seek help to support your child, and try to perpetuate certain rituals that your child shared with his grandpa or grandma.
Our thanks to Solène Bourque, Psychoeducator, and La gentiane a grief support website.
Resources to help your child
• A resource for non-religious parents
Raising Freethinkers: A Practical Guide for Parenting Beyond Belief, Dale McGowan (AMACOM (February 11, 2009)
Books that can help
SAD ISN'T BAD: A Good-Grief Guidebook for Kids Dealing With Loss, Michaelene Mundy and R. W. Alley (Abbey Press; illustrated edition annotated edition, September 1998)
CHILDREN MOURNING, MOURNING CHILDREN, Kenneth Doka, Taylor & Francis, 1995, ISBN: 9781560324478.
MOURNING CHILD GRIEF SUPPORT GROUP CURRICULUM, Linda Lehmann, Routledge, 2000. 3 books available for different age of mourning.
PARENTING A GRIEVING CHILD: HELPING CHILDREN FIND FAITH, HOPE, AND HEALING AFTER THE LOSS OF A LOVED ONE, Mary Poust, Novalis, 2002. ISBN : 9780829415278.
HELPING CHILDREN COPE WITH THE DEATH OF A PARENT: A GUIDE FOR THE FIRST YEAR, Paddy Greenwall Lewis, Praeger, 2004. ISBN : 9780275980979.
WHEN SOMEONE VERY SPECIAL DIES: CHILDREN CAN LEARN TO COPE WITH GRIEF, Marge Heegard, Woodland Press, 1988, ISBN : 9780962050206.
YOU HOLD ME AND I'LL HOLD YOU, Jo Carson, Orchard Books, 1997, ISBN: 9780531070888.
THE DEATH BOOK, Pernilla Stalfelt, House of Anansi, 2002, ISBN : 9780888994820.
WHEN DINOSAURS DIE: A GUIDE TO UNDERSTANDING DEATH, Laurie Krasny Brown, Little, Brown Young Readers, 1998, ISBN : 9780316119559.
LIFETIMES: A BEAUTIFUL WAY TO EXPLAIN DEATH TO CHILDREN, Bryan Mellonie, Bantam, 1983, ISBN : 9780553344028.
HELP ME SAY GOOODBYE: ACTIVITITES FOR HELPING KIDS COPE WHEN A SPECIAL PERSON DIES, Silverman, National Book Network, 1999, ISBN : 9781577490852.
I MISS YOU: A FIRST LOOK AT DEATH, Pat Thomas, Barron's Educational Series, 2001, ISBN : 9780764117640.
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